Confidence

So there's a good chance that I've been going through a lot of crap lately, and that I've been depressed, especially in the earlier part of the year. I just didn't care any more, about ANYTHING. My grades? Meh. School? As if. Friends? I didn't even exist!

Then school ended, and I had two weeks on my hand: no school, and basically NO work. NOW what do I do? The depression sort of-kinda-maybe started REALLY sinking in, just a little bit before school ended. I remember waking up one particular morning and looking up at my ceiling, and feeling, "You know, I REALLY don't want to get up today." I've never really felt anything like this. Yeah, school was 'boring' and 'lame', but I had places to be, people to see and other things to do, so I just had to go. But that morning it was like, "Who cares? I could just lay here all day, and no one would give a #@$!, right?"

But I got up anyway. No, the day probably didn't end well, but I marched forward, dragging my feet EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY.

And then school did end, and the depression seemed to taper (why?) and I started getting over the fact that my "class had ended". For about two nights in a row, I cried myself to sleep, and no one knew, not even my mom.

This is the thing about being shy-you don't anyone to see you do anything, that you deal with life quietly and out-of-the-way, and I'm shy to the point that I don't want to....'burden' my parents with anything I'm going through (I have three brothers, they have enough to worry about). To me, I feel like I'm doing them a favor, but I think if some professional psychologist (or someone similar) was to read this, they'd think I was nuts.

That second night, I prayed my heart out. Why didn't things seem to be going my way? Why was I the way I am? I prayed that night dearly, and told God I was sorry he had such a pathetic daughter. There were a lot of other not-nice things I said about myself that night, too.

And with those thoughts in my head, I drifted off to sleep.

Now, I don't know if I had a dream, or an angel (a very angry angel) came and visited me that night or WHAT, but the next morning, I got up, and looked in the mirror, and I felt different.

"Cass, you have GOT to pull yourself up by your boot straps. Maybe you were pathetic, and self-pitying before, but that's GOT to change. You cannot be this person any more."

And just like that, I felt new. I couldn't feel sorry for myself any more. I wasn't going to let my feeling over a boy change how I acted, much less my personality. So I drop-kicked those feelings into outer space, and moved on. Things have definitely changed for me, and anytime I feel that sadness or anything close, that voice pipes up in my head, "Now, now, Cass-we said we WEREN'T going to do this. Pull yourself up by your boot straps. NO MORE PITY PARTIES!!!"

And that, dear readers, is where I am at today. I am working on my self confidence today!!!