Drawing the Line

As mentioned in my previous post, I define myself as an introvert.

This means that crowds induce anxiety. Being introduced to new groups induces anxiety. Exposing myself, especially to new people? Out of the question.

I read in a study somewhere that introverts are more likely to share more about themselves on blogs and online as opposed to in person, because they don't see their audience. As I began to write and publish blog posts, I thought, "If I wasn't willing to tell this to someone in person, why would I tell the whole blog-o-sphere?" It just didn't make any sense.

But I've found more often than not that written words worked better for me. If I'm talking to someone in person and we're having a conversation, my spoken words fail. They metaphorically trip over each other. I reword my reworded statements.

"I mean...uh...well... do you see what I mean?"

My husband says my favorite words are "Do you see what I mean? Do you understand?"

I don't mean it to sound like I treat people like they're stupid. I want to make sure I am understood, that people know what I mean to stay. Unplanned conversations don't always allow for that to happen.

The point of this post, dear readers, is where do I draw the line?

Too Much

You've met (or may even be) someone who gives a surplus of information. And I have been there. In that situation, I feel that I'd rather give too much information than not enough. What if I am unknowingly withholding a valuable piece of information? Sometimes, particularly in unplanned conversations, I 'think' out loud. My words rattle on as try to think of an appropriate phrase or word to fit the situation or emotion I am trying to convey.

Too Little

I come from a family that is verbose (read that: wordy). In school, my siblings and I inhaled the learning available to us. Spelling tests were a chance to exceed, and to learn new vocabulary. Scrabble was a chance to practice our new lexicon of words. I know that there have been times where I and/or my family seem a little...snobbish, for lack of a better term.

I always worried about looking too proud. Pride was to be avoided-I was brought up to be humble. So I kept quiet. Being an introvert adds to this section. I know that people ask questions such as "How are you?", even though they don't really want to know-it's just nice to ask. You've met people at parties who ask questions about your job, or family or social life, but you're never going to meet them again-why answer their questions?

More often than not, I've kept to myself. And this leads to people thinking I'm better than to talk to them. It's not true. I simply don't always know what to say. I don't want to say anything that's wrong, or offensive, or hurt somebody else, or... I feel like there are a multiplicity of negative consequences to say the wrong thing. But I want people to get to know me, too

So how does one draw the line?

Intro

Hello, I'm Cassie! While I created this blog a number of years ago, allow me to reintroduce myself.

Child Of God

I think this is one of the most important and underlying characteristics of who I am. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that Heavenly Father is just that-our Father, who lives in Heaven. This means that we ALL have His divine potential.

 While all individuals who live and who have ever lived on this Earth can claim this, there are seemingly too few who don't know! Isn't that crazy?

While I was born into an LDS (Latter-day Saint) family, this religion is something that I have come to love. I am gaining my own personal sense of divine origin. It's not always easy to do in this confusing and loud world, but I'm working on it.

Wife

Growing up, I did NOT want to get married! I'm sure there were plenty of people out there who liked it, but it just wasn't...'me'. Or so I thought. As I went through college, this began to change. About halfway through my college education, I met Josh at church and we became good friends. Soon we became better friends, and yada, yada, yada...we got married!

I love being married to Josh! My marriage is far from perfect, but one thing he and I have in common is that we LOVE the Lord, and I think this has been such a huge key to cultivating our relationship and choosing this road. I would definitely not change anything.

Daughter/Sister

These titles indicate that I am part of a family. I have siblings. I have parents. More importantly (tying this back to the first title), I have HEAVENLY parents, and HEAVENLY siblings. That means I am in charge of taking care of the people around me and watching out for them. And I love it. I love being with my family, as crazy, wild, and dysfunctional as they may be.

Mother

Now, before you let your thoughts run too far, I do not have human children. But that doesn't mean I'm not a mom. I have helped watch out for my younger siblings since I was young, and babysat a lot. I am a teacher at church, working with children who are 3 and 4.

I also have a rabbit (Pip) and a dog (Lola), both of whom I consider to be my little four-legged kiddos. They need to be fed and loved for just like any other kid (and doctor bills!!!). I help care for these little critters and many others who don't belong to me because it is important to me. Personally, animals (in general) are easier to love than people (especially if you know me-I can be a downright pain in the butt).

 Introvert

I think this is a really important thing to note about myself. This title doesn't mean I don't like socializing. On the contrary-I love being with people. But not large groups of people, particularly ones I don't know very well. I love being in tight-knit groups of people, be they family or close friends. But to people who don't know me, I can come off as a little stand off-ish. Hey-I'm not perfect. I do like getting to know new people-it just takes time. 

Blogger

I started this blog a loooong time ago. I had a wonderful Young Women's leader who was a blogger, and I thought it was the coolest thing! It's basically a virtual diary, right?! Now, I love writing in my diary and have been doing so for years (longer than I've been blogging), but this reaches a lot of people and I firmly believe in putting out positive vibes. If one of my posts happens to help you in an area of your life that you may be a little rough in-great!!!

These titles-and many, many more-are all important to me, in one way or another. As I post, you (and I) will continue to find things out about me. Sometimes it's easier for me to write things down than to tell people face to face. But life's an adventure, and it's all about finding "joy in the journey-now" (Pres. Thomas S. Monson, 2008).

Yowza!

Wow!!! It has been a little over six months since last I posted, and my, how things have changed!!!

I'm happier for starters. I sorta-kinda-maybe watch TV now (not something that is typical for me), and I'm still reading my brains out!

I wish I could express the gratitude I feel in my heart right now: for the experiences and chances I've had, for the advancement in technology that lets me know when I've spelled something wrong (seriously-I need it!), for my blessings... just everything!

No, it hasn't been easy. I read a quote today (on Pinterest) that said something to this effect: "Once you go in that storm, you will NOT be the same person coming out."

And it's true. It's been rough, but I have found so many things that, guess what? I CAN DO.

I have been...'there', in the place where you are worthless, you are stupid, you can't do anything...and it sucks. But you have to pull yourself out and show yourself you can do it, that you ARE worth it, and that you ARE NOT stupid!

Okay, I'm getting preachy now, but seriously?

Enjoy life. Live it. Be you. Freaking LOVE yourself.And love God. ABOVE ALL, love God. You need him.

Someone

It had been approximately 4 months, 1 week, 4 days, 4 hours and 40 minutes since Someone had hit the reset button in her life. Many things had come to pass in that time, and while most of them were good, she would always find a reason to complain; wouldn't we all?

Approximately 4 months, 1 week, 4 days, 4 hours, and 40 minutes ago, a heart had stopped beating. While it was not hers, it had most certainly felt like it. She watched as no one even skipped a beat in picking up the pieces, how people continued to hustle and bustle, how the world had not ceased moving; she stood in awe.

Sometimes, she wanted to scream. Sometimes, she felt overwhelmed, and sometimes she felt like no one was really listening to her. But Someone had, more or less. Someone special.

Someone sent people, opportunities, and special gifts to her in those 4 months approximation of time, and, she realized, Someone was still sending them. Someone helped her realized that yes, these things happen: hearts stop, people die, and we lose things-people-yet we must move on. There were other things-other people-who needed us to move on. Sometimes, those 'people' happened to be an individual at a bus stop who needed to hear what she believed. Sometimes, it was just a coworker who needed her to cover a shift whilst said coworker was ill and away.

But Someone also sent special moments-quiet, peaceful moments-in which that heart that stopped 4 months ago would come and hold her hand. It was not every day-it was not even every week! But that heart had continued beating on a spiritual plane, and watched her progress very closely.

X Wedding(s) and A Funeral

"What about those colors?"
"Well, sure, but I want my wedding in the spring. Those colors just don't work."
"How about these flowers? Ooh, those shoes would look FABULOUS!!!"
"How about this cake? I'm loving it!!!"

These are the things that girls talk about. Except me. Personally it's annoying. Especially with this new pinterest craze, everyone is pinning things that they are 100% sure that *THIS* is what is going to happen on their wedding day.
Does it?

I think not.

With recent events occuring, I have decided it would be a little bit...smarter to plan my funeral!

Regardless of how I die, my obituary will state that I was doing something heroic (saving a puppy or a child-you get the idea), and the organs that CAN be donated SHOULD BE donated (I should still try and save lives, right?). After this is done, my lovely little body will be sent to be cremated, where my ashes go to either A) one of those urns that reads "Ashes of problem students", or B) A super mega fancy urn.

The funeral will involve people lining up and passing the open urn, and if they so desire, they may spit in the urn (I know, gross).

THEN.... I would LOVE for my immediate family (Mom, Dad and sibs) to jump on a plane STRAIGHT. TO. IRELAND.

Where they will tour the Emerald Isle and spread my ashes (they may keep a handful if they so desire).

I often joke with people I plan on having a funeral before I plan on having kids.

Did I mention nothing in my life has gone the way as planned?

Beautiful

I just finished a 7-week course of school. The class, Healthy Lifestyles, was just awesome!!! There were approximately 30 students, and people of literally every skin, gender, age.... it was awesome! We had people from Pakistan, Egypt, and across the country. Some were married, some single, some had kids, some didn't...

Everyone was put into a group (there were six groups), and each group would do a presentation on a different topic. My group was 'Stress Relaxation' (everyone loved us). It was so much fun! We did a breathing exercise, some yoga and then some progressive muscle relaxation. Did I mention it was amazing?

Anyway, I became close friends with a girl in my group. She had come from Taiwan a few years ago to restart her life here in America. It was such an eye opening experience!

Perhaps one of my favorite memories took place on a test day. We would take the test in class, and when we finished, we would sit outside in the hallway, quietly and patiently. So there we were, this [slightly older] woman and I, and she suddenly she turned to me and said, "I think you are absolutely beautiful." I froze.

"E-excuse me?" My face went red.

"You are just... so beautiful. You remind me of these Taiwanese cartoons I used to watch when I was younger, and they were so beautiuful. And so are you."

This has never, EVER happened to me before. She was practically a stranger (we did become very close after that). I almost cried.

But I've felt kind of changed, like "Yeah, you know what? I am beautiful." And I've felt like maybe I should start saying this to other people, because if it's the truth, then you need to know it! So if I randomly compliment you, accept it and then turn around and pass it on!

Happily Ever After

As I've recently found, life can be awesome, or life can suck. It really just depends on your outlook on life. I've pretty much always been a Negative Nellie, and thought I'd always be this way. I'm slowly becoming more of a realist, with a touch of optimism. It was a very hard lesson to learn, and I can be pretty hard on myself.

But, like I said, I'm changing. And it's hard. I've been pretty comfortable with who I am (for the most part), but I decided that I could be better. Maybe I could be a little more outgoing. I'm not to big on changing outward appearances (especially using plastic surgery), but I could change who I was inside. I was kind of an angry person who just sat around complaining about everything. And then when things didn't go my way, I wondered why. Well, DUH!

So I started feeling more sorry for myself, and I could tell it was rubbing on other people, which by the way, is SO NOT COOL. Thus, the reason for change.

I'm trying to look at life with a better outlook. Yeah, tough things happen, but A-No one has the perfect life, which means B-No one is perfect, which leads to C-How are you going to handle what is handed to you?

I just let other people control things for me. I can't make a decision to save my life-literally. If God were to ask me if I was to stay or go, here's how the conversation would probably go:

The Big Guy: "Well, Cass, do you want to live or die?"
Cass: "Well, you know best. Which would be better?"
The Big Guy: "Cass, this is YOUR life, and it is YOUR decision."
Cass: "Well, if I live, I'll have to go through a bunch of stuff and have lots of highs and lots of lows. If I die, I might not get to experience that, but I would still get to watch the world descend into garbage. I don't care, really. You can choose."
The Big Guy: "Cass, you need to make a decision."
Cass: "Well, I honestly don't care..."

And so on and so forth. But that's changing. I've always heard people say, "Well, you need to take control of your life. Make sure you can tell your kids exciting things." And stuff like that, but it didn't mean anything to me. I just figured I'd tell my *imaginary* kids "Well, I didn't drink, smoke or have pre-marital sex, so it's all good."

But something changed. Maybe it was after that good bonk on the head the Sweet Lord gave me that night I decided to change... I don't know. But I felt the change, and honestly, JK Rowling says it best, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.”

And that makes sense to me. You have to go out there and TRY to do something. No, you won't be the best, but at least you tried, right?

It would be great to see what happens to me at the end of my life: who do I end up with (if with anyone at all)? My kids, my career, my pets... Did I do something cool?

Maybe one day I'll tell my kids, "Well, I know that I can't four-wheel, but at least I tried, right?"

So, seriously, try something new today. And enjoy it!