More Ann Cannon

Okay, it's time for MORE Ann Cannon! YAY!!! Deseret News has this thing once a year where you get the chance to write in these really bad metaphors, or just a phrase or... I don't know, You have to read it to understand what I'm saying... Do you get what I'm saying? Here she is! The beautiful... ANN CANNON!

WHO KNEW SO MANY COULD WRITE BAD PROSE?

The people, you were fabulous this year. You sent in hundreds (seriously) of bad sentences to the Worst Novel Never Written Contest, making our decision harder (and happier!) than even before.
We're in awe. We call you master.

BEST SENTENCE WITH AN EXTENDED VEGETABLE METAPHOR:He shopped early for his second wife, plucking her like a ripe tomato from his best friend's garden, leaving his soon-to-be-ex-wife wilted like that last stalk of celery forgotten in the refrigerator vegetable bin, only good for a pot of misery soup. (Judy Blain)

BEST UH-OH MOMENT: The comet was shooting toward her car, and she wondered vaguely if rolling up the window would do any good. (Larissa Humphries)

SECOND BEST UH-OH MOMENT: As soon as Mindy met her freshman college roommate, she realized that she had been premature in assuming that her roommate would be her new best friend and that the tattooed girl with spiked purple hair who was dressed in black from head to toe might not even want to wear the other half of the "best friends" necklace Mindy had bought as a "Welcome to College" surprise. (Diane Coles)

BEST PUN INVOLVING LOCAL CHURCH AUTHORITIES:At first, the stake president was upset as he looked at the elders encircling the infant, because they were wearing sunglasses and fake beards, but then he realized it was actually a blessing in disguise. (Mark Vernon)

BEST LOCAL COLOR:As LaVonda waited uncomfortably for the uniformed officers to use the "Jaws of Life" to extricate her from her mangled car, she pondered in turn the fragility of life the massiveness of 18-wheelers, the difficulty of text-messaging while eating fries and driving, and finally, how she could use this experience as an object lesson in her next Sunday school class. (Tamary Shoemaker)

BEST ROMANCE: He had a fascinating mind, and I couldn't wait to pick it apart the way a 10th grade biology student does with an owl pellet to find mouse bones. (Jenica Jenson)

BEST ROMANCE GONE WRONG: Her tears were like moon drops dripping from the air-conditioning condenser of my soul, forming a mushy puddle under my Buick. (Nathan Strong)

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: After the makeover, Dirk couldn't decide which was more shocking-the face that Melanie appeared to have been dipped in white chocolate, sprinkled with sanding sugar and dotted with nonpareils, or the realization that the word nonpareil was part of his vocabulary. (Deanna Johnson)

WEIRD SCIENCE: The group of scientists collecting data on the movement of the tectonic plates concluded at last that shift happens. (Jana Rogers)

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN: Seventy years is a long time for a ghost not to haunt a haunted house, but eighty years would have been even longer. (Monelle Smith)

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR TWO GRAND-PRIZE WINNERS: The farmer had no business going back inside that wretched barn- the sheep knew, he knew, the sheep knew he knew, and that was enough. (Todd Phillips)

AND ALSO: William couldn't believe how much clearer his sinuses felt after the Resurrection. (Ryan Alleman)

Check online for more sentences we loved!

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! 'Clearer sinuses'.... ha ha ha.

That was great.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705339385/Ann-Cannon-Who-knew-so-many-could-write-bad-prose.html?pg=1

Just copy and past this into your bar, and it should lead you to the website where there are even MORE sentences. It's hilarious!